You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Yup
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please