Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me My dog
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids