succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
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ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule