If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
You Might Also Like
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Practicing safe sax
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.