Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
You Might Also Like
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.