Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?