If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed