Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!