I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You Might Also Like
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
kitchen magnet
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.