Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.