The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …