Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh