doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
“no gods no masters” = leo
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.