The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Battery falling down a hole
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.