Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.