Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.