Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.