Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
(Jupiter –
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Always 🥴
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.