How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.