[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
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I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system