How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Dolls on drugs
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”