There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.