“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m aging like a fine banana
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You wish you had this many chins.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.