My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.