HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.