Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
You Might Also Like
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct