[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.