I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.