sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
…żyje?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.