ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Not today.. 😂
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…