My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Here’s a meme
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Bed should get ready for ME
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase