Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
You Might Also Like
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Merica.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
sigh
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.