you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
whatcha thinkin bout
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok