I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*