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WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom