joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”