The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?