Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Heroic Misunderstanding
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck