( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
*jingles half the way*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.