we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”