The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
You Might Also Like
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???