I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
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No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.