bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Facebook memories be like
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis