People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
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Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”