If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.