EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
All. The. Damn. Time.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT