All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I beg your pardon?
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.