[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.