[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Oh no
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.