I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
You Might Also Like
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen